Rage

A scrambled brain , so I refrain

From the day, from the way

You made me feel okay, that’s all I have to say

Elation and inflation

Ego boosted, deep feelings rooted

Two weeks of melody and remedy

This changed me, yet our bond is free

It was in a sense duality, bliss and brutality

Now emotions stir, last few days a blur

Inside me, within you, keep it out of view

I’ve been here before, never no more

Pieces divided, when particles collided

Craving the feeling, wont help the healing

Spotless mind, for peace to find

It will all be black one day, then it will go away

Rejoice in memory, fuck feelings intensely

Because life’s a craic, and you can’t get it back

With wallowing here, so fuck all the fears

Because no fucker cares, and those that win dare

The silence deafens, so unplesasent

You were mine and you were fine

But in my mind, I can’t find

A reason to call, except for a bigger fall

So i will remain in time and space, and see only your face

For until that too fades, like the sun chasing shade

Like the sharpness of blades, like smoke from a grenade

I leave it on this page, for this is my rage

A Ride

Dreams enter reality

An image of creativity

Bringing to life the reasons

Change in mood like seasons

The feeling of passion

The moments of fashion

the trends that are set

The needs that are met

A moment of lust

A person to trust

An hold on the strings

The pleasure it brings

Which way to motion

A Trip to the Ocean

I sit there broken

With no words spoken

I see the tide

A worthwhile ride

The gulls answer oceans call

Is this an high or a fall?

My minds delight

But you so far from sight

I must deliver my plight

A reason to fight

The fires ignite

As day turns to night

The ride, lonely

Of you I think only

Where are you now

Lost among the crowd

Do you sense a feeling of doubt

I scream out

The music dies down

And darkness draws now

Lost embers of light

At dusk’s true right

A sense of purpose and loss

The world at what cost?

I’m driving fast as my heart

The tearing appart

Of life’s intricacies

A fear of intamcies

Can you love again

Or is this full of pain

I stop, I dance

I must advance

The headlight shines bright

Should I catch the flight?

I’d be there tonight

But I look like shite

Never-mind, I say

Will this fade away

like the many before

As memories to store

Nothing yet concrete

Will I make you complete?

Will you find it in me

The love and certainty

I can no longer notion

The drive from the ocean

Lost in the mind

For you a wondrous find

I’m on the motorway

Like Frank said ‘My Way’

The souls are united here

Driving without fear

For a destination unknown

Uncertainties

uncertainty

noun

1. the state of being uncertain.”times of uncertainty and danger”

Life is full of uncertainties, to say it is easy is far from the truth. Some people handle life differently to others, some are more sensible and some are more responsible and some just get overcome with the harshness that life can throw at them. But for the majority of people in this world life has its consequences. There is hurt, there is love, there is moments of pure joy and moments of utter sadness. We all have felt these emotions as human beings and when you find yourself in certain situations you may like to wallow in the pity, then grow resentment. This is what has happened to me in the past and it took someone to get me out of this funk. Although not the greatest situation for me to come across such a person, it actually was the best kind of situation. The hardest things in life to ascertain are the most worthwhile, no? I’m in my head. All too often I tell her this and I don’t think she fully understands what I mean by this. When i’m in my head; it means that I run over every variable, every moment and gather certain scenarios, much like the way in which a film portrays a scene from the idea of what a character would like to do, but will go back to the moment and show it in an entirely different way. A film that springs to mind to explain this would be ‘500 Days of Summer’. Where Joseph G Levitt is rushing to the apartment roof and what he had planned in his head was the polar opposite of what happened. The reason I do this, is because it helps me to gather my truest thought, my truest feeling. I like specifics, leave it vague and my mind will often wander to dark places, to uncertainty. This is the way my brain works unfortunately. I don’t know if this is leading anywhere serious and maybe i’m reading too much into it, but I can gain some positives from the situation. I’m exercising again and working out, and putting my life on track, and I feel good in myself yah know? I feel like the me of 7 years ago, the person that I lost along the way. The one who had everything and knew how to get whatever he wanted. I’ve missed this person and she has done that for me. So even if this doesn’t go the way that I want it, I will always have her to thank for bringing that guy back. So for me, life is good right now, and I don’t mind the uncertainty, I don’t mind the distance. Because i’m back baby, fully enforced, fully smiling and with all the positive vibes that I can give to anyone out there. I’ve been in that misery and I shan’t go back, because life is worth living to the fullest. I can’t wait to see what is round the corner for me.

Peace and Love as always

Inspirational Muse

muse¹

/mjuːz/

noun

1. 1.(in Greek and Roman mythology) each of nine goddesses, the daughters of Zeus and Mnemosyne, who preside over the arts and sciences.
2. 2.a person or personified force who is the source of inspiration for a creative artist.”Yeats’ muse, Maud Gonne”

Hello old friend, it has been a while again. I don’t know why I have deserted you so, because you were always there for me. You helped me when I most needed and I never gave you credit for that, I guess I took you for granted. Or maybe I didn’t want to rely on you anymore, and instead chose to return when I could give you the time you deserve? I help you and you help me, deal? Either way I return to you now my love. Anyway, enough of my ode to you, let us continue. The reason I return to you now is perhaps a selfish one, but it is the reason I have returned. It is for someone else, someone I’ve not long been in contact with in truth, but it is someone who is for me a special kind of person. The kind you only read about in fiction, an heroine in the only story that matters not a femme fatale. Well least I don’t think so, it is for her that I write this, and maybe what is to come. Maybe i’m giving too much credit to one single person, but it is true that she’s the reason for my writing. It is a rare find indeed, when you find that someone with whom to share what you care most deeply for and has no judgement, but is also there, present and true. That not only gets you but also adds to you, makes you better than you are and does so with no difficulty. I never knew that she existed, but she does and i’m grateful to the world that she does so exist and i’m grateful for the divine to send her in my direction. Now life is strange, because this person has been brought into my life but there is still a long way to go. You see she is not within my immediate proximity, she in fact lives in an entirely different country. She is from Ireland you see and maybe it is foolish of me to think and feel the way that I do, but life is short. When you find a connection that is truly hard to believe, do you not have to grasp it? I’m conflicted, because I want to believe and she makes me so believe but it isn’t easy. She is wonderful though and I don’t want to lose that or not have the opportunity to at least see for myself if she will let me of course. I guess it is early stages in our personal relationship with each other at the moment, so got to be patient, she did say that I am worth the wait, but what if someone else comes and sweeps her off her feet the way that I want to? I don’t know, there is too much other stuff happening in my life at the moment besides. I feel as though i’m living multiple peoples lives but never my own, the one I truly want to. It is good though and I’m going to enjoy what we are sharing with each other now, just got to live in the moment always, ever present and not rush, life is like this I guess? I don’t know. She makes me feel good though, so i just want to hold onto that for as long as possible, she is worth it, i know this, I will find a way. Selfish I know, but man i’m owed one.

Peace and love as always

A Train Ride To Nowhere

I felt it, the call of the train again. It had been so long since it had last called out. I needed to go, the reality of life and how I had dwindled through the years had seemed to cast a dark shadow across my face. I faced myself again, the blank stare on my face as it stared back told me of no illusions that I may have once felt, however long ago it may have been. I stood there for what seemed a while trying to see within myself, to see into the depths, breaking through the layers of the cracks etched, it all once seemed a lot smoother, more kinder. There was no smile that I received, there was only a truth, perhaps of inner madness or maybe something too nuance to comprehend, what was I searching for I asked. The time passed and still the mirror could reveal no answers that weren’t comprised with more questions. Then it got to a point where I could no longer comprehend what it was I was doing. I looked away only to feel somewhat more aware, aware of my own self or aware of something more sinister. To look at oneself for some time and try to understand what it is, what you are and why you are doing so seems to draw you into a loop, like a camera pointed to a television that streams endless televisions a frame within a frame. This convoluted my thought process for a while, then I felt the pull again, maybe it was finally time for me to get away.

I found myself walking, much the same way as a concussed person may find themselves and with the same perception and lack of understanding of how in fact they got there and what actually happened in-between. I tried to remember how I got to where I was but could not recollect, either way I was on the right path. The train station wasn’t too far. I searched my brain for a location of where I might go, and then it dawned on me then I had no such passion for a trip of that sort, I envisioned myself at the beach, but instead concentrated on the wait, both on and off the train and how many stops it would take before I arrived. I figured in my musings that it would take at the least two trains and roughly between two and three hours before I would arrive. I sighed. I imagined myself taking this journey only to find myself at the beach for an hour before I would make my way back and spend another two to three hours travelling back. I couldn’t grasp at this notion, I wondered then why people ever do such a thing in the first place with their free time, why would they want to spend more of their time getting to a location than actually being in that location, but people did do so. Maybe they do it because it fills their lives up with some actual semblance of a meaning. Though I would argue the fact that if you have someone to actually share the journey with then the in-between gets forgotten. Lost to time like the blowing of the wind. How such a strange understanding, that we all seem to end up this way in a future time, maybe some sooner than others. How long would it be until the remainder no longer remains. Will any of you ever remember a conversation that we once had once upon a time and when you too find yourself as dust what then can be said of us.

After some careful consideration I managed to talk myself out of the trip to the beach, but I then thought of something closer. Alas it still did me no good, for I would then muse on what I would actually do with myself on my arrival. It all seemed so daunting now, how had it got to this. Where had the optimism gone, did that too get lost in the wind. I tried to shake the feeling off, I need to do something however trivial it may seem. I can’t reason my way out of everything and I thought then that maybe it was time that I did take the trip that I had been so longing for. I did after all owe this to myself, I need a break, a break from the crazy and most importantly a break from myself. I walked a bit further and then found myself at the train station.

I checked the time and told myself it didn’t matter where I ended up going, too much overthinking is what drove me here in the first place. There was ten minutes to wait, I finally felt that rush of excitement that I had been so longing for. I thought this so ironic that it would only come now as the instance approached. The understanding of which filled me with calm, a reassurance almost that it would be soon enough and that I could then finally ease my mind in that moment. I drew a cigarette out of the packet and found my lighter, I inhaled the fumes and they calmed my nerves, I then noticed a tall thinly man approach. As he got closer I noticed that he wore a scab on his cheek, he looked like he had been hard on the drugs. He approached me with carelessness, I found this strange that he would choose such a time to approach me. Then I understood instantly why he would do such a thing, the years of his drug use had left him without the need for moral boundaries and he wanted a cig. He asked me in the politest possible way that someone who had weathered the years living as an outcast could possibly muster and I felt envious of him then in that moment, because he had something that I truly missed. I told him that he could have the remainder in the pack and he looked somewhat puzzled by this notion. As though I was alien or perhaps he felt that I was timid, either way he took the pack with such conviction and intrepidness. Then with in that same moment I had turned to check the time left for the train to arrive and as I turned back he had already walked near to the exit of the station, I chuckled to myself in that moment, what a life he must lead.

There was two minutes left before the train would arrive, when the automated announcement came through the tannoy to say that there had been a delay and it would in fact be another five minutes before it would arrive. I thought then that I may already be on the train and that I had maybe drifted into a slumber on my destiny to nowhere. I pinched myself and realised that the deed had yet in fact not been done. I studied the scenery, the opposite platform had some people waiting, a young girl with a pram, a chubby child sitting on board suckling on a sausage roll, her partner prowling the train station walkway like a man on a mission conversing heavily with his friend on the mobile phone. I checked my phone, not long now I told myself. I scanned the rest of the station, a cctv camera hung high, pivoting left and right, I pondered if it was automatically motioned on a timer or if in fact there was someone who remote controlled it. I had a sudden urge to wave as it seemed to place itself on me. Then I felt it, the rumbling of the track seemed to deliver a response in me, an automatic response to look in the direction I wasn’t heading. Then it showed itself as it motioned around the corner. I couldn’t say then what I felt in that moment, but the moment seemed to last a lifetime and at the very same time seemed almost instant, the steady sway of the train as it pulled itself to a halt was almost enough to give me pause, but I felt in this moment that it was now or never, and as I leapt from the platform, I felt the wind blowing and knew then that it was how everything will be for everyone eventually.

The Night Told Me A Secret, If I Share it, Do I Still Get To Keep It?

I find myself pondering through a midnight hour

Of strange inclinations somewhat sour

A distance in mind greater than person traveled

So orderly yet still unravelled

I am still, within my shell

For what then transpired I cannot tell

But should I chance a want to tell

I fear for what could do me well

Time caresses me softly

And images move promptly

Taking me away, leading

Is this grieving or healing?

I feel uncanny

A wave upon the sea

A motion of goodbye

The gleam of emerald eyes

An image of pure delight

Why am I thinking of you tonight?

My Best Friend

You are always there to greet me

Through sadness and in joy

You always are so happy

Some things you do destroy

My socks were not so holey

Until you came along

I never thought I would miss that

I guess it proved me wrong

You always are so stinky

Though baths you do love so

And when I must leave you

You are always sad I’d go

Your face it is silly

You have a toothy grin

I always call you rat tooth

I guess for us, that means something

The bond we share is special

You know me better than most

We’ve seen a lot of places together

We’ve walked along the coast

I guess it is a telling

Now that the years have past

How truly priceless time is

And how it goes so fast

I know that we’ve had our moments

We both came close to black

But I stood by you as you did me

I will always have your back

So, for now I will just say

I’m thankful for your presence

Because sometimes life is lonely

But you made it relevant

You’ve aged well my friend

If I indeed may say

You’ve earned your rest in plenty

Enjoy your peaceful lay

Persona

What is your persona? What is my persona?

Persona ~ from the Latin word for mask

It is true that we use persona as a way to describe our own personalities. A persona is not just one concrete way of being although it is often thought of as a single entity. I have had many different personalities within my lifetime and some would see this as an untruth in comparison to the context of the mental illness schizophrenia, as different personalities are used to define that. We all are capable of changing our personas however, just with varying efficiency. Yet some may even fantasize about living a different life entirely to the one that is currently running its course. Some people may change their ideological view, their moral standpoint or even something as simple as music taste. This is a simple switch of a mask, yet when we see something of major change we assume this is ‘out of character’ for a person. Maybe it is the persona that person wishes to be at this moment in time. How dull would life be if we were the same person throughout. We become predictable and within that we become complacent and stagnant. It is through our changes in life that define the truth of our personas. We are not one but many. I think back to my younger years, when I would listen to music. Mainly indie music but some rock and punk rock and pop punk thrown in there too. The likes of Fall Out Boy, Green Day, Panic at the Disco, Alkaline Trio, Transplants, Deathcab for Cutie and Arctic Monkeys. Many more besides but this is enough to raise my point. I can’t listen to any of these bands anymore. I just do not resonate with them anymore. Trust me, I’ve tried. I much prefer the oldies now, not that I didn’t before but they are still relevant. The likes of Warren Zevon, Tom Petty, Prince, Bob Dylan, Janis Joplin, The Doors etc… I wish I understood why this was, maybe it is easier on the ears in my aging body. What I do know however, is the fact I can’t stand modern music as it is now. But that is mainly because it is manufactured garbage. Anyways I feel pretty good for the first time in 3 years. I think I need to acknowledge life more. I’ve thought about going to church, just to see what that’s like but my atheism runs deep. Not that I’m not a fan of the Bible. I think that it is a great book for morals. But therein lies the problem with how people may interpret it differently. You can find anything you want to reason in life if you search through hard enough. I’m trying to find a link between religion and persona to end this piece with but the only thing that comes to mind is an excerpt from the poem ‘Gold Leaves’ by G K Chesterton:

“But now a great thing in the street
Seems any human nod,
Where shift in strange democracy
The million masks of God.”

Tactical Diversions

You are what you are no need to be ashamed
The world you create as part of the game
To be right or wrong
Holds no validity
In the mind you fight
For a sense to be free
The sense of injustice
Takes justice at trial
For lack of remorse
Or sense of denial
The pros and the cons
Draw line in the sand
For a want of much more
Comes with a reprimand
So be it a wave or a particle
It matters not from either perspective
To disregard your nature
Is the only defective
Monsters birth demons
If they allow
They pollute the air
As they sell you a cow
Machines of greatness
For empires to build
As you watch it all burn
From the edge of the world
Some thing is not right
Grown slow over time
Like a cancerous lump
Or the slump of a spine
What’s really at stake
When we’re blindsided by hate
To go against our brothers and sisters
Is that not a worse fate
Than to realise the truth
In the midst of these lies
That they pass on as news
For your minds inner eye
The justice of naught
The confusion of masses
An indoctrination of children
Don’t ever skip classes
A nation of fear
United in name only
To protect the hypocrisy
Of people so phony
So deliberate
But do it with facts
Don’t be swayed by media
Who will tell you to act
They only serve themselves
That’s their only agenda
They will disregard humanity
Take care of your gender
For they have control
As they always have truly
You have to ask why
They want people unruly
It’s a magicians trick
A simple diversion of optics
To keep you in place
While they plan their entropic
So don’t hurt humanity
For the sake of the few
True world leaders who hide
Out of site of your view
They feel not your pain
Or your grief
But offer a solution to their problems
To align with your reprieve
Why not look behind the curtains
Of the media portrayed
For the beliefs you love so
Are being betrayed
What comes of it all
When we douse the fire
Of a world ignited
By greed and desire
Who’s left standing
To watch from ivory towers
As that last hand moves
In the final hours
What would you think then
As you turn to face
The evil of evils
Who has put into place
A divide of humanity
A signature of a God
As a world collapses
To a simple nod

Tree

I’ve seen a touch of God’s own hand
I’ve seen the sway of leaves on a tree
Dancing, in sunlights embrace
I know now his voice
It called to me
An extension of body rooted in ground
Taking nutrients from all around
Water to nourish and sunlight to grow
The leaves serve a purpose until they let go
But the tree remains, branches intact
So that one day, the leaves can come back
A signature hand drawn circles inside
Lets us now how long it was alive
The only way to know is to cut it down
The sunlights true mark as the earth circles ’round
But I will never forget when you called me, from the bed in a room in sight of a tree
Such beauty to see, sweet within the moment
I felt the wet brush my cheek
As I lay there Motionless
I could not keep my eyes away, as I wipe the wet from my face
From the leaves dancing true in sunlights embrace.